Short Story: Half Vegan Meal



Broccoli dodged left, then right. Boy, he looked steamed. His hands were balled into fists at the ready, but he was no match for Joe’s speed. With a quick jab, Joe skewered Broccoli’s green buds with his fork, placed him in his mouth and chewed. Cauliflower shrieked. He looked pallid.

Joe cut into Porterhouse who began to bleed all over the plate. Cauliflower panicked and tried to run but the plate was slick with hot pools of Porterhouse’s blood. He slipped, and fell face down. “Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!” It was everywhere. It was all over him. He never saw Joe’s fork reaching for him.

Asparagus parried the killing blow. “On Guard!” He struck a fencing pose. Joe stood, kicked his chair out from beneath him and did the same. Challenge accepted.

Porterhouse was bleeding heavily. “Guys, I feel so cold” He wasn’t going to make it. He was boned.

Nobody paid attention to Porterhouse though, there was a battle raging. Joe stabbed and slashed. Asparagus parried, then feinted. Joe hesitated and Asparagus disarmed him with a flourish. “Do you yield?”

Joe sighed. “I yield, Asparagus.” He knew he was no match for Asparagus’s superior swordplay.

Asparagus scanned the cheering crowd. Wine and Bread Sticks stood, extended their fists, and pointed their thumbs straight down. Joe nodded, accepting his fate. He had been bested in one-on-one combat. He dropped his chin to his chest and closed his eyes.

Asparagus faced him and declared, in his most stately voice, “Joe, for your lifetime of transgressions against vegetable-kind, you are hereby sentenced to death!” With a running head start Asparagus aimed to pierce his opponent’s heart, but all Joe felt was a mushy thud against his chest as Asparagus bounced off him. The crowd gasped. There was complete silence. Joe opened one eye to peek around. He struggled to understand how he was still alive.

Asparagus stood, brushed himself off and regained his composure. He cleared his throat and shouted with conviction, “Sentenced to death!” Joe snapped his eye shut, he didn’t want to see what was coming. Asparagus charged him, but was once again repelled.

As he picked himself off the ground a second time, Asparagus’ eyes became slits, his will iron-clad. He would not be deterred. His chest heaved, he wiped the sweat from his brow and let loose the war-cry “DEATH!” He sprinted at Joe…but never even reached him. He fell to the ground, coughing and wheezing. The crowd jumped their feet.

Joe, still waiting to die an honorable death, heard Asparagus gasping words between labored breaths. “How about…we just let you finish…eating Porterhouse…and call it a day?”

Joe opened his eyes and nodded eagerly. Hope spread across his face. He had a new lease on life. “Agreed.” He up-righted his chair, straightened his shirt and sat back down. Without hesitation, he carved a chunk of flesh from Porterhouse’s corpse, stuffed it in his mouth and began to chew.


5 Responses to Short Story: Half Vegan Meal

  1. Okay, this is laugh out loud funny. I suppose you’re a fan of the Arrogant Worms – surely you’ve listened to “Carrot Juice is Murder”?

    • Wow, I had never heard of them, but I am listening to Carrot Juice is Murder” right now and it’s terrific!

      The Half Vegan Meal story was inspired by two friends of mine. One of them is Vegan and is always trying to get me to “go vegan”, but I always tell her that my meals are “half vegan” since I always have animal products on the plate with my vegetables. Another friend always gives her a hard time and asks what she “has against those poor vegetables”.

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